My daughter-in-law does not like me
My daughter-in-law does not personally like me…and she has forbidden my son from bringing our 3-1/2 yr. old grandson to see us. My husband and I know he would have a wonderful time playing with our 3 dogs (2 of them registered therapy dogs), gardening with us, taking walks, and generally getting to know each other. We would JUMP at the chance to baby-sit once in awhile, but the times they have visited us can be counted on one hand. They now also have a baby daughter, and the same thing is happening….
We are invited to their house (10 min. away) for their parties, but they never reciprocate when invited here. SHE doesn’t feel comfortable! (I don’t feel comfortable there either, but we go out of respect) See below. I think it is SO unfair to grandparents when an in-law withholds a grandchild from knowing it’s family in such a way. I have had the worst Christmas because of this ordeal of talks on the phone with my son. (she doesn’t speak to me) We have always treated her well, and when she announced her first pregnancy, I ran to her and kissed her and started SHOPPING! (I also threw a huge shower and made the cake myself and made all the dishes from scratch) She was insulted because I included a dozen cloth diapers (with all the trimmings…pins, plastic pants, etc) when she had stated that they were going to use Pampers. She also received MANY other gifts from us that I had collected in anticipation of the shower, including a BIG one from the Babyworld where she was registered. She acts spoiled and self-centered, and threw me out of their house and told me I wouldn’t see the baby again till I learned my place! (because I asked her if there was anything about organic foods in her baby books) She doesn’t realize that the man she married was raised by us, to be a good husband for her. My husband has always helped me with the house and children and provided our son with a good example of family unity.
Our home has always been open to all friends and family and when the kids were young this was one of the gathering places…it was a McGruff House for kids in trouble during the ten year period in which I did licensed child care. This came very naturally for us after raising our own three, and our home is neat, clean and almost always organized. Neither of us has a crime record, we don’t drink liquor, and have a clean driving record. I do still smoke, however, and change the air in the house daily and run an air machine and 3 ceiling fans when necessary and we have air conditioning. We also have exhaust fans which I use regularly. I have also promised NOT to smoke if the child is here.
I have heard of other grandparents in the same situation, and I would like to know what your readers have to say about this, and any suggestions they might have. Thank you all for listening.
- Carolyn
Carolyn - I feel so bad for you. I have a friend in a similar
situation. She has never seen two of her grandchildren who live minutes away because her daughter-in-law will allow no contact. I’m afraid there is no advice that will help. Try to remember that there must be something good in her, because your son fell in love with her. In the meantime, the real loss is to the child. Every child should have grandparents allowed to love them freely.
I am a brand new Mom myself, and my mother-in-law tries to act like she and her daughter are my child parents not me. This does make me mad and sometimes I have wondered if not letting them see her would make this change, but never have i. she my feel as if you are trying to raise her family yourself. i do think that she is spoiled and disrespectful to you. it sounds like you should sit down with your son and explain to him how you feel if that does not work have your husband sit down with him. Once your son understands then maybe you and your husband should sit down with your son and his wife. I hope for the grandkids that this situation is resolved real soon.
Carolyn, I’m sorry about your not getting to see your grandchild but I don’t see it as 100% your daughter-in-law’s fault. Granted, she may be spoiled and self centered, but your own son is at least as much at fault for going along with her. Your son could bring the child over on his own at any time, there’s no reason why the child’s’ mother should have to come along. Your son should have the intestinal fortitude to stand up for his own child and your relationship with the child. Call your son and ask him to bring the child over on Saturday morning and drop him off for a couple of hours. If your son won’t do this then I’d suggest you get to the real heart of the matter. There might be a problem that your son hasn’t told you about for fear of hurting your feelings. Please let us know how it turns out.
I certainly don’t know what we have done to create such a snotty, uppity generation, but I certainly don’t like it much! Shame on your daughter in law and shame on your son too! What is with these spoiled rotten children (and they are children and not very nice ones!)? So we are teaching them that they are so special that they should put themselves above all others? Any parents that don’t go out of their way to get the children over to the grandparents house is doing the children & grandparents a GREAT disservice!
We have a similar experience with our daughter in law. Her parents are the end all do all for our granddaughter. We were certainly shut out. My son put his foot down and even though we are not #1 grandparents according to her, she is easing up a bit. We make the best of it and go out of our way for her and it is getting better. She is very idealistic which means to me - immature! She is trying so we are too. Your son should insist that you have time with your grandchildren. What does he say about this?
I know of so many new parents that think they know everything about child rearing and they have no idea how ridiculous they are being. They will probably realize their mistakes someday but it will be too late then.
I think you should talk to your son and tell him your feelings. Is the smoking really the issue? Then tell your children not to go out and breathe the air in the city, it’s just as bad!!! This smoking thing has gone too far. If you don’t smoke around the children that should be enough for them. If second hand smoke was sooooo bad for everyone then our whole generation would be dead by now. Everyone I know smoked 20 years ago and there were no ventilated restaurants - air purifiers - etc. etc. People act like they will drop dead tomorrow if they walk through a smoky room! Much to do about nothing and the studies have been manipulated by the government to keep our mind off the real pollution problems of today. Neighbor against neighbor! I think most smokers of today are trying to be very polite about it and many (not all) non smokers are obnoxious, rude people that very opinionated and have holier than thow attitudes! You sound like a wonderful person with an addiction (we all have addictions of some type) that’s tough to deal with in today’s better than thow society, and are offering to keep it away from the grandchildren, good for you! I’m not saying smoking is good, I’m just saying that no one should be judged for it. The non smokers should thank the smokers because it certainly is keeping the non smokers taxes down!
Good luck to you Carolyn, you are added to my prayer list! And also all those non appreciated grandparents out there. Many of our children are so greedy and self absorbed. It’s a shame and I don’t think they even realize it!
Carolyn….I do sympathize with your feelings of being left out of your son and grandchildren’s lives. I am a “young” (LOL?) grandmother of six myself. Making me, of course, also a mother-in-law. It is a sad thing, but mother-in-laws have a reputation to be over bearing and controlling. The only thing we can possibly do to change this is start NOW to correct that behavior and/or image…..Try to make it known to your family that you will NOT mettle in their personal affairs…that you only wish to be a part of their lives. Young women are often already afraid of their mother-in-laws..for all of the obvious reasons. It is a mother-in-law’s curse to be burdened with the reputation of Mother-in-laws who came before us. I myself was at the mercy of a Mother-in-law who helped to create such a negative image. She RULED! Of course what she wasn’t aware of was that I would play her game and Vow to follow her instructions and advice and then when she was out of my sight, I would do as I saw fit. I often had to bite my tongue and/or turn the other cheek. But it kept peace in the family. I had to remember that she was older and slightly spoiled and even a little senile. But that she WAS the mother of my loving husband, whom I must say that she raised to be a very kind man. I don’t know HOW that happened! HA! And that she was the grandparent to our children. For all you young women out there…I am not saying that this is the CORRECT way to handle a “mother-in-law”…Just that it was MY way. Please, Give the grandmothers out there a chance…They may not be as bad as you fear them to be. And if they are? Maybe you can talk to them about it…?
Many thanks to you all for your insights and supportive responses: as an update, my son is setting up a counseling appointment for us to get to the bottom of things: His wife has never spoken personally to me about anything. She uses my son as a transmitter of information. I would love to be able to be relaxed enough with her to invite her to meet for lunch and shopping once in awhile, or find out what they need for their home, etc.,(to make our gifts to them more selective and personal) for one thing. I don’t think this will ever come about even with counseling, but if we can find out what’s bothering her that will be a first step. I did go to counseling myself several times and got the hurt out, and my counselor suggested to just be very, very sweet to her. And I have approached her twice in that manner, and got rebuffed the first time, and the second time at a family party I went to her and the new baby girl and complimented her and admired the baby. I asked her sweetly if they could come to visit us, and she said, “talk to your son”. That’s all there was to that. I just wished she had offered to let me at least hold the baby. My only wish is to give the kids what they want. I never call them, my son calls me, we certainly can never just stop in, and I don’t interfere. I will however give my opinion and advise if he brings up a problem. She knows that I am a vegetarian and am concerned about environmental issues. I am not an activist either, but I am concerned about the future of the planet, and their grandchildren and great grandchildren’s ability to receive good nutrition and breath clean air. But I have never even had the chance to speak to them about it for discussion purposes. This leaves me with such an unfulfilled feeling that my job as a responsible parent to pass along pertinent information is not finished, or even acknowledged. I also have supportive resources and literature about these issues. I know that most people do not want to concern themselves with such topics and I respect them for it. Well, thanks again for listening.
- Carolyn