Lost in the Internet

A young man who became lost in the internet is now feared dead, say police.

They fear that his Central Processing Unit may have become fused with his Internet Service Provider’s router, sending him pinging interminably from site to site.  Brian Jakes of Wichita, Kansas, was last seen by his parents Bob and Mathilda, last Thursday, happily surfing about the internet.

Around midnight Mrs Jakes heard a very loud noise from Brian’s modem, and when she went to investigate found a glowing blue pile of electro-magnetic embers on his chair.  All of the modem’s lights were flashing, and it seemed to be playing a midi version of Weird Al Yankovic’s Eat It.

She said he had recently been wiring himself directly into the computer’s sound system through headphones.  Local electronics expert Pete Phreak says it could be a case of Spontaneous Modem Fission, where the remaining contents of Brian’s CPU were sucked into his computer’s, then fed through the modem to the router.

“Our main fear now is that he’ll get pinged to an ‘adult entertainment’ site, where he’ll be auto-refreshed out of existence,” says Mr Phreak.

He might also be routed to a games site, where he risks being assassinated by Doom ‘freaks’, or a chat site, where he could be killed by the flood of pheromones surging down the line.

Local police chief Jasper Wiggum said they had taken Brian’s computer to pieces, but found no trace of him, and feared the worse.  Mr Phreak said the scenario was all but hopeless.  “There would be bits of him all over the place.  One small hope is that the search engines might index him.  Of course, he’d have to submit himself to Google, but the others might pick him up somehow.”  Mrs Jakes admitted Brian had been spending a lot of time surfing the internet, but denied that it had become a problem.  “Sure, he would twitch at the breakfast table, and he had started to use his mouse as a fork, but what 19-year-old doesn’t,” she asked.  She said she would now start surfing to try to find her son, but would wear Anti-Modem Devices, such as magnets, and other protective clothing.

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